I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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