kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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