im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
