just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
