I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
