The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
