hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
