He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
