i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we're making bets on your personal life
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
