Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
