Can Purell be used as lube?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
