walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
