of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
