Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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