cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
