Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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