Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
