i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
