Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I AM VODKA MAN
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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