had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
