OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
