Hey man sorry I got all grabby
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Success! We fucked roommates!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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