She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
