Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
When are your genitals available?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
