I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
