I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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