I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
