can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize