I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
