the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
