y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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