it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
