it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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