I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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