Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
