I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
