Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
