It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
