Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
