Pants 0. Shit 1.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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