dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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