also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
there is glitter all over my balls
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