my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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