woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
