Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
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