So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
