I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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