you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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