I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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