I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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