recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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