the day after is always just damage control
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
