we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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