guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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