Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
