Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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