I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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