dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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