if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dick very happy bro
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
