I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
