i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
