I'm so fucking centered right now
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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