I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Please don't give away my fajitas
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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