someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
